Will.Hayes

Writing at more of a slower pace.

Being a boy.Ten years old in the grass. Hands filled with dirt. Stairing up at the sky wondering if it will ever stair back . Looking out in front at a fence a little busted in from a sled that had been ran into it the year before. Watching the trees grow and be cut down over time . The chance of being 10 again being 20 years old now.  Feeling the fresh wind and a cold chill run through my fingers as my father calls me inside. Torn apart by relationships not with any outcomes or high expectations for memories of solid growth of being something that i will live forever with in strong grasp. Watching youth grow into an out and thinking of being afraid to climb tree branches where dirt now rests. It will change with every second and minute passed through always . If a boy never turned into a young man and a young man never turned into a man the thought of guilt and depression would never grow but only being something lived in future tense. Being frozen in a time that you think you could live for the rest of your life you really can not. You really just want your feelings and thoughts to stay the same as it was all those years ago. So you contact some old friends and feel a little younger again but when you lay inside your covers and wake up in some sort of sweat you look in the mirror and outside recalling the past years spent still wishing to be a young child again. Your hand clenches and tears roll down your face but you grow with so much remorse you cant even try to fall back asleep and forget the thoughts your having . So you walk outside around the block and die. You die in your mind beating up your mental struggle of being something of such great height that you feel you will never reach but the breeze comes by running through your hands again and you feel just for a second as a kid again realizing the world isnt dead. Still thoughts rest again being caught up in that short moment. You walk back into your house and shut the door locking it tight. Walking down the stairs knowing your going to be restless again. Reliving in your mind framed evidence that you cant be what you want to be. You cant talk to the sky and hear it speak underneath the trees. You cant make a mistake and erase it and try again . You live on every day as if your steps are your death bed. Cure your mind with a jog or two but nothing gets through the same. Weight on your shoulders as you try to fly away . One day you will feel it again growing up into something you once missed. One day i may never see but i hope you all get what you need and remember some part of what it took from me to help out everything i wish i could be.

i hate rainy days . my mind is fucking with me . going for a long long drive.

ive already lost you.

i should have called you up. or done something . i really really suck. i wish i was worth something..

funny how much everything has changed…. in general.

i remember when i was younger and looking forward to the weekend having friends to go out with things to do. now i just sit home on the weekends. just like the week. i hate the weekends actually now because i know everyones out having fucking a great time and doing things and im just sitting here wishing for time to pass by faster so i can lay in my bed and act like im going to sleep but im really not. i hate this i hate this soo much i wanna rip myself in half. i like the week days because i know people are working or going to school so its like well atleast i kinda know nothing is going on so i dont feel as bad but then the weekend comes and i sit around and sit and feel awful and wish i was someone. im sorry if you know . im sorry if you have ever met me . im sorry that i breathe.

im pretty much done with this now. you know i feel to much that is the thing. i live in this bubble this life where i take this and it gets fucked with in my head. its like they tell people to open your eyes and see whats in front of you. i open my eyes too much and just think and think and wish i could do things different and do this and do that. and by the end of the day im just emotionally exhausted from being so upset all the time and all the day. I sit and tell someone how i appear to be feeling but thats not it . i just lie . its hard to just tell someone what really inside is bothering you . It leaves you feeling kinda weak minded like your like ohh okay… now  what am i suppose to do now that this person knows these things about me. so sometimes i just hide out in my head and it goes far. this past year has been like this uphill battle that i will almost get there then i just get pulled under again and again by what? by myself? by someone else? by what? i ask myself that alot . i find myself thinking about human life alot . just the course of life the cycle of it school and work and marriage and its all just soo much . thinking im so young but at the same time im not anymore. Its terrifying . It causes me soo much mental and emotional damage . You meet people you have friends you make new ones people leave people come in people die people are born . but its like why worry soo much think for yourself. think for myself? think … thinking for myself.. i just want to feel accomplishment like something is getting done like some how im changing or doing something rather then nothing . i wanna feel like a good person like people love me . but the truth is i just dont . i think i talk to much and gett too annoying and over baring . i feel like i dont offer anything but to be used. and im cool with this because im just not good at anything i just think im a piece of shit and feel bad for people who know me so if i get used i get used. at-least i have that thing they want . and im not talking about everybody. ive come to terms that some people can “tolerate” me somewhat for some time. but they always go away because there patients run thin. Its just this constant back and forth battle in my head. am i good enough? am i amazing? will i ever be amazing?probably never to myself. i just wanna be something important or do something that is valued .